lilly12889

i feel distant, dissociated, and misunderstood. sometimes i read the same thing a dozen times before i realize what i read. I do the same things over and over, and i feel like most of my life is a daydream. I used to be more awake than this. I used to think. Everyday used to be an adventure.

this pattern is making me sick.

i know that i have little worlds in my head, populated by peoples ive forgotten. i know i think in colors and my heartbeat is a drum, but it is a lost thing. i worry, i stress, and i get drawn into this artificial world everyone lives in, and i hate it. i feel like im too bright to get fooled into being so dark; but i still have.

i love, but the love is hard. i love people far away, and people who are near, and people ill never see again. And its hard. I dont know if i still love myself, and i dont know where i lost that. The skeptic asks if i ever had that.

I always question my memories; the mind takes liberties with your memories, and how you see a thing now can effect how you remember seeing it then when you recall it. I guess its compensating for the changes in yourself, but i dont know.

Its probably best if you just ignore all of that;
its probably just holiday stress working its way out of my system.
im babbling around with pockets full of questions, and masturbating to metaphor, so i think that this post has outlasted its productivity.

 I just want to sleep until Saturday.

I'm so frustrated right now. Burger King isn't paying me/giving me hours/ANYTHING, the people at my bank are fucking retarded (either that or I'm retarded which is more likely) so instead of having my money transferred from my AWESOME~ Burger King "money card" to my check card, it is now floating in cyberspace somewhere. AWESOME. I don't understand why I can't get a job somewhere else, I'm running out of places to apply. I feel like a failure right about now.

I just want to scream and beat my fists against the ground like a child. This is not what my life is supposed to be.

/end self flagellation

I'm going to drag myself out of the house today, practice driving some more, try to get things sorted at the bank, and round up shit to put on Ebay because even though I HAVE a job I'm not getting enough money to pay what tiny little bills I DO have. FFFFFFF. I know I can get a few hundred dollars out of my prom/homecoming court dresses at the very least. cool. At least I got everyone's Christmas presents done before everything went to shit?